This Saturday, is National Coming Out day on October 11th.
They say on National Coming Out Day you should remember and
thank all the allies in your life. I am blessed in that for me, that is a
pretty long list. The following is a
updated repost of one of the first blog entries I ever wrote back in 2006
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I was bouncing around the web a couple of weeks back and
stumbled on zabasearch.com.
It is a site than helps you locate addresses of people. So out of curiosity I
typed in the name of one of my best friends from High School.
Sure enough, a result for his name came up. Not sure if it was
the right person, rather than call, I sent a note with my business card
attached saying, if this was who I thought it was, to please write back. A
couple of weeks went by... and I forgot about it. I honestly didn't expect to
hear anything.
Then the other day I got an email from him. It is an interesting
experience in a way. I hadn’t heard from him since attending his wedding. At
the time I really envied him. He was marrying a wonderful gal and starting to
build a life. They now have a five-year-old son with a daughter on the way due
in December.
He said it was amazing to hear from me couldn't wait to hear all
about what I have been doing over the past few years. I will confess, I have
mixed feelings about that.
For the most part, I have not kept in touch with anyone from “back
home”. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed growing up where I did. I had great friends and good memories. Yet it
really was a whole different life. Like many LGBT kids in the mid to late 80's
I was closeted and terrified of coming out. On some level every day had some
undercurrent of fear of my "secret" being discovered. The ultimate
put-down was to say something was "gay" or to be called a "fag".
You saw the kids who were even slightly effeminate or "different"
getting tormented daily.
So, you kept your mouth shut and your eyes closed. When you
watched those 80's brat-pack movies, while your friends ogled Molly Ringwald
and Ally Sheedy, you didn't admit to anyone, not even to yourself that you
thought Rob Lowe and Emilio Estevez were really hot.
Add to that, the media was full of stories of this new "gay
disease" called AIDS, and the Reagan and first Bush Administrations were
not interested in getting any information about it out to the public. So like a
lot of gay kids, I didn't know what to think. Could I get AIDS by coming out?
By even holding hands or kissing a guy? Was it really God's way of getting rid
of people like... well, like Me?
The fear you felt was this huge cloud that hung over you every
day. You really did wonder if you were destined to be miserable and alone for
your entire life. Of course, at time I thought I was the ONLY gay kid on earth.
Now I know that there were in fact more than a few. Even at my own school. But
in those moments, the sense of isolation could feel overwhelming.
But time moved on. I left and, in many ways, never looked back.
I moved to Europe, studied there, came back to Wisconsin, and went to college,
after graduation worked, traveled back to Europe, and then to Asia. Eventually,
I came back to the US and settled in Chicago, where I finally “came out.”
Like many people, for me coming out was a frightening and
painful process of self-discovery and acceptance. I think back on the fear I
felt back then, and it seems like I am watching a movie of someone else's life.
A life that I would not ever want to revisit. Yet in truth it was MY issue, not
my friends. They had no way of knowing what I felt.
The whole range of traditional High School and college
experiences of first dates, a first dance, a first kiss, etc.. While a given
for everyone else, were in my mind, just not possible for a lesbian or Gay kid
in South Central Wisconsin in the 1980's. Or at least I felt, not for me. Many Gays and Lesbians who should be my age never lived to see
today. The statistics on suicide for LGBT youth in the 1980's and 90's will
give you nightmares. I am so amazingly fortunate to have the family that I do.
My parents are the two most loving, supportive and amazing people in the whole
world. Coming out to them while scary as hell, was truly the end of an old life
and the beginning of a new much brighter and happier one.
(I know I have told you this, but it’s worth saying again -
Thanks Mom & Dad.)
I marvel at many of today's LGBT kids with "Gay Straight
Alliances" and alternative proms. When I read about kids taking their same
sex partner to a high school dance, I can only smile and be amazed at how, at
least in some places how far we have come. Though certainly for thousands of
LGBT youth in America the reality has not changed from the one I knew.
Over the years I didn't stay in touch with people back from
"back home". One wedding, an occasional Christmas Card was pretty
much the limit of my contact, and even that soon stopped. Someone recently
asked me why I didn't keep in touch with people from those days, and honestly,
I didn't really have a good answer. Hence my card to my friend.
I know what you are wondering. Will I tell my old friend (s) that
I am gay? Will I open up my life now to those people from my life
"then"? Does it even matter?
Honestly? I don't know. I'll keep you posted.
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FLASH FORWARD 19 years... October, 2025
It is worth noting, the friend I wrote about in 2006, like so
many other amazing friends from my life, have shown me in words and deeds what
I have always suspected, my friends are in general, a lot wiser than I am.
As I mark this year's National Coming Out Day there are friends
and allies in my life who I still cannot thank enough.
From
JJ, the friend, now in El Paso, who answered that letter in 2006 and reminded
me why were friends in the first place, and still today reminds me to laugh at
life nearly 40 years on.
To the friends we shared growing up. Ed, the decorated
Army Combat Veteran, in Fond du Lac with whom for over 40 years I have shared inside
jokes a love of offbeat Sci-Fi and also with Mike,
the retired deputy sheriff in Madison
who, with their respective spouses still give me permission to be silly, and
when needed, permission to be serious; and the incredible friendship and trust
to just be me.
There is Todd, the Lawyer in Dallas, who challenged my own
stereotypes and instead ended up teaching me invaluable lessons about
acceptance and the power of true-life changing friendship. There is Ira the diplomat in Brussels, and
Tom and Karen, the couple in Georgia whose friendship has spanned more than
three decades and two oceans. Who always knew, didn't care, and have always just
loved me for who I am. All of them, in
doing so, forever changed, (and saved) my life.
Along with Mark, the Career Air Force officer
in Florida, and Dale, the IT guru in Wisconsin who I had the honor of being a
Groomsmen at their respective weddings, and years later with their wives, are
still sharing their adventures with me.
All these amazing people, along with so many others I am blessed
to call my friends. Including the friends
who have passed away. Timothy, the Pastor in Pennsylvania, and James, the
School Teacher from Boston, allies who both lived remarkable lives of always
seeking the best in people and taught me to do the same. I miss them every day.
In addition to the family we are given, there are the amazing LGBT
families we build. I am so blessed to have folks like my “brother from another
mother”, Daniel the incredible composer and playwright (and far better looking
and talented than one person has any right to be… but ok fine, whatever…) along
with his Michelin starred Chef husband Gerardo in NYC.
My first “boyfriend’ John the Army Medic from Georgia, who
taught me how to dance, and in doing so, to be at ease with myself. Along
with the brilliant and talented Khris Francis, my first real LGBT role model,
and a dear friend who showed me the secret of life is be able to laugh at who I
am. Whose passing left the world, and
the lives of those of us who knew and loved him, sadder and darker.
In the UK, there is the amazing osteopath Peter and his
barrister, hubby Simon. Our dear friends NHS Nurse and the UK's own
"Christmas Fairy" Danny with his husband Nick, and Julian the
passionate activist, with his attorney hubby Wade raising their amazing son
Matthew.
On this side of the Atlantic, my incredible and wonderful
friend, the brilliant Actor Rudy with his better filmmaking half Lawrence. Along
with Marc the courageous ER Nurse, HIV activist and international marathoner in
Chicago and his wonderful educator husband, Josh raising their son and shining
their light of authenticity for all to see,
These are only a few of the incredible folks who have been part
of my journey....
Along with all these people, I have been blessed to have found
wonderful communities of faith where I was shown that God is Love, and never
hates. Trinity Lutheran in Madison, Holy Trinity in Chicago, St, Mark's
Lutheran in San Francisco, St. Anne's Lutheran Church in London, and St. Luke’s
Lutheran – Times Square in New York,
And as always, my incredible god given family. In addition to my
parents, there is my sister Leah, who with by Brother-in-Law Jean Georges with
their three fantastic, brilliant, amazing and wonderful... (can you tell I’m a
proud Uncle?) kids, Sophie, Jonathan and Sandrine, who with their spouses and
significant others, have all given me strength to just .... be myself.
One of the greatest challenges in living authentically can be
the risk bringing your “whole self” to the workplace. To say that my time working
for Kaiser Permanente helped me on my journey, would be an epic understatement.
To have been able to spend such a large part of my professional life at a
company that saw Equity, Inclusion and Diversity not as something nice to have…
but as business imperatives was one of the greatest gifts I could have ever hoped
for.
And yes, to my friends PJ, and Chris along with others who, for
reasons political, social, and religious felt they could not continue our
friendship, I thank you as well. Not because I don't miss you, (for believe,
me, I do, every day.) Yet I owe you my
thanks for showing me that the choice to live authentically does not come
without cost, and therefore must not, ever be taken for granted.
There would not be time or space to mention all the people or recall all the places and moments that have played a role in my own journey of self discovery and acceptance.
But now so many years on from being the scared kid in South Central Wisconsin, I can truly say that I am so very grateful for all of them.
Last but never least, my husband Eric. To you I can only say I
love you and thank you. You provide me with living proof every day that taking
those first steps out of the closet were by far, the best ones I have ever
made.
Happy National Coming Out Day.
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